Thursday, May 6, 2004

I Shall Have No Fear

So here it is, The Moment. It’s a time we all face at some point in our lives, the point where you look ahead of you and wonder what’s next. The Moment comes in between the certainties of our lives. As I sit here, finally, with nothing to do, no deadlines, no homework and no plan I find myself staring squarely into the abyss of The Moment.

Here it is. A time when I finally have a chance to sit down and write something for myself. I recently watched a cheesy “feel good” movie about race and age relations. It was sappy and predictable but I cried at the end even if only because the closing song was the same one we chose to play during our cake cutting. I bring this up because mired in the schlock of the film was one nugget of truth. It went something like this, “The words we write for ourselves are so much better than the words we write for others;” simple, and unfailingly true. Part of The Moment for me is realizing that from now on I only have to write words for myself. Its comforting to know that I will continue to write even though I am no longer compelled to do so by an outside entity for I have found great solace in writing for this site. Still, I am caught by the feeling that the words I write are not for me alone, they are for all of us.

The past five months have been, beyond compare, the most difficult time in my life. There is no way I could have made it through without all of the love and support I have received from my family and friends. My classmates were there to pick me up every time I felt like I wouldn’t be able to go on. My family and friends across the country were always at the other end of the line when I felt that my world was coming to an end. When I came home for vacation I felt like the world stopped just for me. This site has another way of coping, another way of keeping in touch with all of you and the support your support and encouragement has kept me going.

When I started I hoped that I could write well enough to hold people’s interest. Until recently I wasn’t sure I had done that. It’s funny, I’ve posted some columns that I expected would get more response than they did, and then, I wrote one that I felt I had written before in various ways. I thought of it as a throw away, one that people might read and then forget because it was so much a part of who I was that readers would either take it for granted, or wouldn’t identify with it the way I had. In fact, the “Opening Day” Rant has generated more positive feedback than anything else I’ve posted here so far. I’m blown away by the emails I’ve received and heartened by the idea that something that was so personal to me could touch other people as well, people I’ve hardly met, who hardly know me.

“The words we write for ourselves are so much better than the words we write for others.” The words I write here are an outlet, catharsis. Knowing that every once in a while I might write something that has meaning to someone else lifts my spirits more than I can express. The feedback I’ve gotten from you, the reader has made this endeavor worthwhile.

I know, your sitting there thinking, “Dude, he just wrote an entire column on how pimp he is. What a dick!” Bear with me. The point is that I am where I am, I am who I am because of all of you. I did not arrive at The Moment alone, nor do I face the future that way. Everything I’ve accomplished, every word I write, all of it is in part a credit to the friends and family who have helped and supported me over the years. I’m here, in this place in part because the people in my life put me in a position to succeed. I can face the blinding uncertainty ahead because I know what’s behind me.

Thank you.

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