Here is a version of my remarks at Affys memorial. It's not exactly what I said, I didn't have much written down. Instead this is culled from my memory of what I said, or wanted to say. But I wanted to share it with you in case you wanted to have it.
Photo of George Bertelstein by Jessica Rose |
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Standing here now reminds me of the last time I stood before
many of you in the woods and spoke. That was at Affy and Katy’s wedding.
Unlike George, I have an almost complete in ability to speak
in any way other than off the cuff. So I hope you’ll forgive me if the
transitions and relevance of my comments don’t totally flow in a way that makes
sense. But that’s what having a conversation with Affy was like. He’d make
three or four logical leaps in his mind that he wouldn’t share and then he’d
give you the conclusion, and it was up to you to try to put it all together and
figure out how he got there.
Afran Abraham. Abraham is fitting. Affy was a father, not
just to Leo and Sophie, but in a way he was the father of our mirth. From the
time we met him it felt like any gathering of people was just that, a group of
people in a room, until Affy got there, and then it was really a party. It’s
like, when he got there everyone could totally relax and have fun. Like air had
been pumped into the room. Affy was fun in a completely unselfconscious way. He
could dance like no one was watching while also totally hoping everyone was
watching. He was like a miniature Bacchus, our personal God of carefree
enjoyment.
I’ve been trying to figure out why this has hit me so hard,
why I’ve felt so unstable the last week and a half. We’ve lost people before, I’m sure we all have. But this was
different. When we were in our teens and twenties we knew some of us weren’t
going to make it out. That was who we were, it was how we lived. When we made
it into our thirties I thought we were safe. That the danger had passed and we
wouldn’t have to do this again for another thirty years. The reason I’ve been
so unstable is because I’ve lost one of my pillars. I’ve lost one of the people
who made me who I am. Affy was one of the few people who have ever made me feel
totally accepted, totally comfortable. He did that for a lot of people. He
treated everyone like they were his best friend. He made me feel so comfortable
I would do things for him that I probably wouldn’t do for anyone else.
I’d like to tell a story about that, if you’ll indulge me.
This was back when we were both working at Togo’s, and living at Affy’s
parents’ house. I was renting a room in the attic. Some of the old Togo’s crew is
here today. So we lived on the north side of campus, and worked across campus
on Telegraph. Togo’s had a very simple dress code, pants and a white polo
shirt. I had just been promoted to low level shift manager, and it was my job
to enforce the dress code. So one day Affy shows up. Late. And he’s wearing the
most ridiculous pair of acid-wash, cut off, jean shorts you’ve ever seen. And
that’s not the worst part. He’s also wearing, and if you will, please close
your eyes and try to picture this shirt. It’s a purple t-shirt, and says,
“LOVE” spelled out in glittery, rainbow puff paint dots that look like tiny
Hershey’s Kisses. And I’m like, “Affy, you can’t work in that outfit.” But I
also know that he’s going to have to walk all the way back across campus and
all the way back, and he’s already late. So I grit my teeth, and I take one for
the team. “The team” being Affy.
“OK Affy. We’re going to trade clothes.” So we go to the
office and trade clothes. Now, Affy was slightly larger than me, so now not
only am I wearing this Tobias Funke outfit, but it’s huge on me. Have you ever
seen someone in baggy cutoffs? So now I have to walk back across campus in this
outfit. And it’s the first really nice week of spring, and the college girls
are out in their it’s-finally-spring-and-I-can-get-some-sun outfits. So there’s
just beautiful girls all around looking hot in their spring garb, girls I want
to date because I’m eighteen, and I’m wearing Affy’s acid wash Daisy Duke
nightmare outfit. So what do I do?
I strut.
I strut.
Because I know that’s how Affy wore it over there.
I strut, because if you’re going to wear the man’s clothes,
you have to sport the man’s confidence.
I think many of us are searching for answers, and I don’t
know if there are any answers to be had. Something that has helped me, that has
gone through my mind often these past days, is a prayer we say each week in
church. We say this prayer to God, but I think it works just as well for Affy,
or for each other. I’d like to share it with you, and though I know that we
have many different faiths and beliefs, I hope there’s something we can take
from this.
We confess that we have sinned
against you
In thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone
We have not loved you with our whole
heart,
we have not loved our neighbors as
ourselves.
We are truly sorry, and we humbly
repent.
The message I take from this that we have to commit to
loving each other. I think that when we look at the regret in our life, it’s
the things left undone that we regret the most. So I urge you to take the time
to reach out to the people you love. Do it small ways. Let them know you care,
that you’re thinking of them, that you love them. We are a community, and it’s
only by loving each other with our whole hearts that we will be able to
survive.
Thank you.
Thank you for remembering Affy as often and well as you do. It helps keep him alive to us.
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