Just Plain Ugly By DMJ

Well, it's happened. It was never reasonable to think the TV networks would actually kill anyone (or even complicity allow someone to die during filming) in the course of a reality show, so, until we reach that Running Man/Gattaca/Logan's Run-type distant future, complete with hovercrafts, Soylent Green®, and spooky hologram girlfriends/sex toys, this is the end of the line when it comes to bad taste. It can't get any worse than this.

It's worse than the perversity of watching and laughing at people who seem very clearly to have suffered the very serious effects of long-term drug abuse (Maybe Ozzy and Anna Nicole come to mind?), trivializing the real suffering of the poor around the world but sending fat Americans to "survive" in some "exotic" location, and watching whiny, pampered Generation X/Y/Q/E=mc2 members, plopped into the lap of luxury, acting like spoiled, narcissistic, drunken, horny assholes (with certain exceptions, for at least one pseudocelebrity I know).

It's worse than what I thought would be the worst thing ever--MTV's horrific taste in airing the current, San Diego-based season of "The Real World"©, despite some very convincing evidence that a young woman (not a member of the cast) was raped inside the house. To air this show, to promote it and sell commercial time during its broadcast, especially if there are still legitimate questions about what happened that night, is a profound act of disrespect to the (alleged) victim.

I'm talking about "The Swan."

The premise: A bunch of "average" women are selected for every conceivable plastic surgery, put on a starvation diet, then compete against each other in a beauty pageant. There might be other challenges in there as well, I don't know. I'm sure there's a category for skill at blowing Fox executives or something.

And at this point, I could launch into a long-winded explanation of the concept, blah blah blah. Suffice it to say, you get everything you need to know in the paragraph before this one. That's it, and it's really as debased as it sounds. I watched the first couple of minutes and was nauseated enough to swear never to watch again. Watching these desperately deranged, damaged women, bandages and blood all over their faces and bodies, crying in every other shot, taught to hate themselves, broken down to the level of children psychologically for A GODDAMN TELEVISION SHOW, well, no thank you sir, one spin on that carnival ride was (erp) enough for me.

I'd like to echo a point made by Heather Havrilesky (sp?) over on salon.com the other day: Yeah, most reality television is pretty cheesy and lame, and some of it offensive, but some of it is (mostly) harmless fun and can be entertaining. But when people talk about television warping people's minds and doing real damage to societal attitudes (an argument I'm likely to tune out, but that doesn't mean it never happens), this is what they're talking about. This is as low as it gets, and if you ever wanted proof that the powers that be in some high places in television have no souls, this is it. So don't watch. Don't give them the satisfaction of tuning in because you're curious--these are entertainment industry executives; if you don't believe that controversy is created and manipulated in order to move product, well, I'd like you to meet Mel Gibson and his 350 million friends, who look a lot more like George Washington than they do Jesus. (And if you don't believe that, head over to http://www.thepassionofthechrist.com and look for the $12.99 silver nail necklaces--no joke!)

2B 2B Do?

Did you really think the first week of baseball would get by without Sir Rantalot chiming in? Of course not, you know better. Now, I’ll admit that a week does not a season make. Hell, half a season does not a season make. Ask Eric Byrnes, almost and all-star, hit for the cycle, became a fan favorite, then went into a major slump after the all star break (9-95) which culminated in his participation in the big, team wide, brain lock game three performance against Boston. Still, with Detroit making noise and A-Fraud batting .154 it’s a great time to look at some early performances.

With the news that Mark Ellis is done for the year we have to look at the now murky situation at second base. Of course I’ve been a supporter of bringing in a vet to help secure the middle infield (see 10 second Rant below), but now there may be a problem developing. First, the guy I’ve supported thus far, Esteban German, failed to win the job in spring training, and will surely head back to AAA as soon as either Frank Menechino or Mark McLemore are ready to come off the DL. Right now, from what I’ve read in various places the powers that be are waiting for these two savvy vets to come back and take over 2B from the guy whose there right now, Marco Scutaro, who has a scant 75 major league games under his belt. But not so fast says Sir Rantalot.

While five games are too few to predict anything the fact is that Scoot has shown something during this first week. Namely, he reminds me a lot of Mark Ellis’ first few games at second in 2002. So, I looked at Ellis’ first five games after he took over the starting job (his first five consecutive games) and compared them to Scoot’s first five games. Here’s what I found:

Ellis 5 games: .400/0/5/.500/.450/..950
Scutaro 5 games: .313/0/3/.353/.500/.853

Ellis’ numbers are better, which we would expect, still Scoot’s numbers are very respectable. Ellis ended the year at .273/6/35/.359/.394/.753, never hit a major slump and never lost the starting job. Ellis also played stellar defense and was in the conversation for rookie of the year. I won’t say Scutaro is going to have the same success but the similarities are there. Scoot has saved a few runs with better than expected play in the field, and has already won a game with a combo of a bat and speed on the bases.

So, what does Oakland do when the vets come back? Well, I would suggest that its Scoot’s job to lose. In 2002 the A’s brought in Randy Velarde to compete with Menechino for the starting job. When Frankie was sent to the minors and Velarde got hurt Ellis took the job and never let go, even pushing trade acquisition Ray Duhram to DH. Now Scutaro has to hold off Menechino and McLemore in order to stay in the line up. Though I’ve endorsed two of the three other guys I’m rooting for Scoot. He’s plucky, he’s clutch, and he’s got a good nick-name.

In other position battle news catcher, 1B, and one outfield spot still seem to be up for grabs. Sure it’s only been a week, but I have thoughts (surprised?). First, News Flash! Damian Miller is not Ramon Hernandez! So far Miller is hitting .077/0/0/.077/.077/.154. What do all those identical .077s mean? It means that aside from hitting .077 Miller has no walks and no extra base hits, a steep price to pay for good defense and intangibles. I’m sure someone knows how many runs Miller has saved behind the plate, but that person aint me, I want some production at the plate.

So far the talk I’ve heard says that Bobby Kielty’s fast start will keep Eric Byrnes from getting much PT. However Macha is trying to find spots for him (Byrnesies only AB so far was his PH double that won the game against Texas on opening day). I see another path for Byrnes. Mark Kotsay has played below expectations and need. So far Kotsay is a decent but very Terrence Long like .250/0/2/.318/.300/.618. A’s brass once thought that Long would be a good lead off hitter too, Long thought he’d be a good five hole guy, the Pads seem to think he’ll be a good pinch hitter. Now Kotsay’s getting a shot at the lead off spot and giving slightly less than Jeremy Giambi did in 2002. So why not give Byrnes a shot? He’s fast, his career OBP is 25 points higher than Kotsay’s and he’s cheap which means we can trade Kotsay and Miller for a better catcher down the road.

Finally, was anyone else surprised to see Eric Karros starting against a RHP? Has Durazo’s early slump meant that much? Looking at the three year splits Karros is hitting .246/.298 against righties, while Durazo is hitting .267/.391 against RHPs ove rthe same time. Oddly, all of EK’s hits this year have come against RHPs and he still trails Durazo’s numbers against north paws. So, why is EK playing against RHPs? Who knows? I’d rather see Durazo and Hatteberg getting the majority of the ABs against righties, we’ll see what happens.

Happy Opening Day!

I love opening day. That may not come as surprise, but I'll say it again for effect. I love opening day. It hasn't really seemed real for the past two years, but as I sit here, on the cusp of so many changes and so much uncertainty, I know this one thing for sure, I love opening day and opening day will always be there for me.

My first memory of baseball is going to the Oakland Coliseum with my dad. I must have been about four years old. The A's had a hot young left fielder named Rickey Henderson but I was stuck on Dwane Murphy. I loved the way his hat flew off when he chased balls in the outfield. Growing up, one of my treasured possessions was a Henderson signed Billy Ball. Basically, the only real positive memories I have of my father revolve around baseball and, while I swore to be a good brother to my little bro in every way I could, it was baseball that I really strove to pass on to him.

I brought my brother out to our first game on opening day 1997. We went for his birthday, which is always within a week of the season's first game. Until I moved to LA in 1999 my bro and I went to about 40 games a year. We did other things too, but baseball was our thing. It was our brother's day out; away from the world, away from the craziness of our family and our friends. It was time when he and I could bond. We could talk about anything, we were as much two guys going to a game as we were brothers separated by 13 years and a world of experiences. Baseball kept us close.

I think baseball helped me internalize (if you teach it, you gotta live it.), and pass on some of my values and traditions, as well as invent some new ones. For example, I got to teach my brother the nuances of the game by pointing out the moves the games greatest player (we can debate that later). We got to see Rickey play in his last stint in Oakland. I got to teach my bro about the beauty of "The Rickey Run." For those who don't know, a "Rickey Run" is a lead off walk, steal second, steal third, and come in on a single to right. I got to point out the subtlety of the shift, the fact that a triple is three times as exciting as a home run, that the splitter was the pitch of the 90s, and that yelling "Daaaar-yl Daaaar-yl" could get into a grown man's head. Together, we decided that the fourth inning was the nacho inning and that this sacred rite must never be broken, even in Anaheim where the nachos suck.

Through baseball I taught him that you never give up, you never leave a game early. No matter how far behind your team is, you never leave; because in baseball, more than in any other sport, anything can happen. You never know when you may see something you'll never see again. My brother and I were in the stands, with our grandmother attending her first game in over 20 years, for Derek Jeter's amazing backhanded toss to nail a not sliding Jeremy Giambi in game three of the ALDS. We saw Eric Chavez's first career dinger. He was there for "The Bunt Heard Round the World" to beat the Sox in game one last year. Now he's getting into that teenage phase, he wants to be cool. He doesn't hang out with the family as much. But when I came home two weeks ago, the first time since my marriage dissolved, he was there for me everyday. Our bond is strong, in part because of the countless hours we spent around baseball, going to games, listening to games, playing catch in the yard.

After I moved to LA I still made it to three more opening days in Oakland. Last year was the first one I had missed since '97. Still, I made sure that someone took my brother. This year I'm still in DC, I'm still in school, but I made sure he was going. He still calls me from the games. Thanks to him I was there for Giambi's first visit to Okaland as a member of The Evil Empire. I was there as the winning run crossed the plate in last year's ALDS game one. And I'll be there tonight, for the national anthem, and the seventh inning stretch (where they'll sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" like they should), but best of all I'll be there with my bro, like always.

Baseball is forever. Baseball is timeless. Ignore for a moment that juiced balls and juiced players belie my basic premise, the fact is that when you bring a kid to a ball game it's the same for them as it was for us when we were kids (even if it is costing you a week's wages). The smell of the grass, the call of the hot dog guy, seeing 20,000 people wearing the same shirt, it's magic. Baseball is fathers and sons, brothers, friends, its generations connecting. I can argue pitch selection with old men, I can turn to the complete stranger next to me and tell him that David Cone just pitched a perfect game, and he'll care. I can look behind me and know, from voice alone, that the kid behind me is the one that calls the post game show every night. Baseball is a community event and we can all be a part of it. It starts today, the Devil Rays and Orioles are tied for first. Happy Opening day.

End of an Era

Niner Notes:
Well, I am officially declaring the end of an era. This is it, the San Francisco Forty-Niners as we have known them for the past 25 years are no more. The team's last significant ties to the Bill Walsh era have been severed. It began when SF released the last remaining player from the 1994 Super Bowl team. I wrote a few months ago that these days if a player is to spend his entire career with one team he needs to be good enough to start, but not so good that he starts to make too much money. I pegged Derrick Deese as just such a player, but now he's gone.

The disassociation with Walsh continued Tuesday with the release of Jeff Garcia. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It was always hard to believe that Garcia was as good as his numbers. After all, he played in a good offense, and had very good receivers for most of his tenure. Still, Garcia is a guy who defied the odds and made himself into a three time pro-bowl player. I'll also offer this: Garcia represents the last QB that Bill Walsh will ever bring to the organization. Walsh built his reputation on working with QBs and ended up picking three in a row, almost out of nowhere. In 1979 he picked Joe Cool in the third round, sat him behind Steve DeBerg for two years and then helped him become the best ever (yes, better than Unitas, and Otto, and Elway, and Marino, and anyone else). When Montana began to show signs of wear Walsh brought in an athletic but erratic Steve Young. Montana went on to win two Super Bowls after Young came in. The only thing that kept Young from being better than Montana was that he only won one title as a starter. He may have won more if not for the 49ers poor defense in '92 and '93 and lack of a running game in '96 and '97. Though many of his other numbers surpassed Montana's Young never got the credit, in part because he always looked like a maniac compared to the unflappable Montana, but mostly because he followed Joe. Garcia, for whatever his faults are was the third in a line of incredibly talented SF QBs. He led the Niners back from the dead. Again, following two Hall of Fame Super Bowl MVPs is tough, but Garcia handled it well. Of course he never had the pressure of playing on a team that was actually expected to win it all. Still, Garcia engineered the second greatest comeback in playoff history and led a couple of teams to the playoffs that probably shouldn't have been there.

The stamp of Bill Walsh is truly fading. The man who shaped the franchise for over two decades has finally left the building and this time he ain't coming back. As a 49er fan I've always enjoyed a great deal of stability in terms of ownership, winning, and knowing what the team was likely to do both on and off the field. Now it's a whole new era and its hard not to feel a disassociation with the team I loved as a kid. After all, all the players, coaches, front office personnel and even the owner are gone from the team that captured my young imagination.

Other SF Ramblings:

The interesting thing about Garcia's release is that for the first time in recent memory there doesn't seem to be a huge market for quarterbacks. It is a very small market for Garcia that is further depressed by the availability of Drew Henson. Here's a quick run down of teams that have QB questions:

-San Diego: Needs a QB now that they've clearly given up on Drew Breese, but they will likely take Eli Manning with the first pick so how much are they willing to give Garcia to tutor Manning for one year? Also, they'd have to do something with Breese.

-Oakland: Similar situation to SD, they don't need a QB right now, and they may take a QB in the draft. Besides Darth Raider isn't a fan of guys who can't chuck it 60 yards down field.

-Arizona: One of the few teams that might take a look. Still, they have Josh McCown and may want to go with him.

-Cleveland: Might be sick of both Couch and Holcombe.

-New Orleans: Aaron Brooks still hasn't lived up to what he showed his first two seasons as a starter. Still I don't think he's out of chances yet.

-Miami: Seems desperate for a QB.

-Dallas: Garcia doesn't seem like the kind of guy the Tuna usually goes for.

-San Francisco: I've never seen it happen before so I don't think he'll come back.

Is Tim Rattay really ready to lead the team? Who's going to keep Tim Rattay off his back? SF released Deese and Ron Stone. Can Kwame Harris and Kyle Kosier get it done? Who's going to play corner if both starters Ahmed Plummer and Jason Webster leave as free agents? Are Brandon Lloyd Cedrick Wilson, and Arnaz Battle ready to start? Who's Kevin Barlow's back up? Anyone think this team is going to the playoffs?

What T.O. Do?

So, TO may be stuck in SF. It looks like his agent can’t meet a simple deadline and so TO wasn’t able to void the final three years of his deal and won’t become a free agent. Of course all this is pending a grievance being filed as I type. Until now I thought the Niners should resign TO, or at least franchise him and try to get something if he leaves. I was one of those people that thought the constant distraction he brought was offset by his production. Besides, who did SF have to replace him? Tai Streets was a disappointment last year, and though Lloyd and Battle showed promise, well, so did Streets the last few years. But now the whole situation has changed.

If we can believe ESPN.com reports that Mike Williams is leaving USC that puts two top “can’t miss” receivers in the draft this year (the other is Pitt’s Larry Fitzgerald). If SF can parlay Owens into a top ten pick they may be able to get one these guys. If they can get a pick and a decent CB all the better. A move like this would also free up money to resign Ahmed Plummer and franchise Julian Peterson. How about this? TO for a 2nd round pick (or low #1, Philly?) and decent corner (Lito Sheppard, Bobby Taylor?), then trade a two and a one to move up and take Williams or Fitzgerald. Or how about a less realistic trade, TO for Phillip Buchanan and 2nd round pick?

49er fans can only hope that SF does something good with this gift. They have a chance to replace TO and fill other holes as well. After all, the domino effect could allow them to take a FS in the 2nd round to compete with the eternally fragile Zack Bronson.
4:52 pm est

It Sucks, but its not Censorship

There has been a lot of outrage recently bout the governments decision to only fund closed caption “educational” programs. This means that show that are not deemed so will no longer be captioned. The NAD, among others are crying censorship. I never thought I’d side with the Bush administration, but feeling both polemic and contrarian this morning I'll go ahead and play The Great Satan's Advocate.

The US government is not in the business of entertaining people. They are however (allegedly) in the business of "educating" and "informing" people. Yes, yes, all information is knowledge and anything can become a teaching/ learning situation. Even NASCAR I suppose. But the government doesn't sponsor me teaching my brother how to calculate OPS or WHIP while we're at a baseball game just because I say I'm teaching math. The government choosing to sponsor programs they deem educational or informational isn't censorship. The programs are still there.

It would be nice if the mystery panel would agree to caption Sports Center, but television is a market driven industry. The rest of us don't expect the government to subsidize reruns of our favorite shows just because we like them. The industry survives off advertising so allow me to suggest another option. Networks begin to caption their programs with advertising money. I don't know all the costs involved, but it may be in the best interest of the network, the NFL, MLB, and Hannah-Barbara to go ahead and caption the programs themselves. If not they risk losing viewers. I know plenty of Deaf people in that key male 18-45 demographic, and their money's just as good as anyone else's, if people hurt the advertisers they'll get their captioning.

In conclusion, entertainment is a private business, not a government function. If the government decided to caption all media I would be fine with that. As it is, I don't really care about Mars, and I wish we would stop fighting all these dang wars, at the same time its faulty to say that its NASA or captioning. It could very well be captioning or help for the homeless; captioning or school lunches, captioning or health care (I know we don't really have health care). The point is, captioning Scooby-Doo isn't the first thing I thought of when I mailed off my taxes.

Everything should be accessible as far as quality of life goes, but who incurs the cost may be a separate issue. The rest of us get TV for "free" thanks to advertisers, not the government. Maybe it’s not too much to ask for captioning to be the same way. We can all vote with our wallets. If the networks, or the NFL want money for captioning they can get it from advertisers. Not to mention, if it becomes a private sector issue, what network or company wants to be known as the one that refused to caption its programs? The major sports leagues are too image conscious for that and the networks should follow suit. Of course any programming that does get public money should have to be captioned as well.

Cross-Cultural Flirting

So, after five years or so Sir Rantalot has been cast back into the dating pool. At this point he’s staying in the shallow end, jumping around trying to get his ankles wet. The thing is, the dating scene has changed. Even if it’s only in the way the furniture shrinks as you grow up. Soon enough your Rant-writing protagonist will be thrust into a new world, one he has never experienced before. A world in which he is single, gainfully employed, and no longer wrapped in the snuggly confines of academia. (How in the world do you meet women out side of school?) But these are issues for later, say, May. The issue today is cross-cultural flirting. (Exit third person narrative)

Washington DC is in fact an incredibly diverse place. I know what you’re thinking, “But Sir Rantalot, you are also from an incredibly diverse place, what’s the problem?” The problem my friend is that in Berkeley diversity is celebrated. In Berkeley even the white people dis on the powers that be, namely, other white people. But DC, indeed the whole East Coast from what I can figure is very different. For example, in California there is a feeling of solidarity between Latin Americans. Out here the Puerto Ricans Dominicans and Cubans see each other as unwanted step-siblings having to share the same bedroom. So what happens when a naïve Puerto Rican kid from CA tries to chat up a conservative Cuban gal from Miami? Well, he makes some witty remarks about racist white people only to find that the gal in question identifies more as White than anything else. Ah-ha! Though I had heard about Republican Cuban expatriates I had never actually met any. Still, at least that one was in my native tongue

The differences are even more pronounced when you find yourself flirting with people who come from an entirely different socio-linguistic background. Being bilingual greatly increases the number of people you can flirt with. Or so I thought. I recently realized that while I can be humorous, and charming in my native language, I’m not so clever in my second. I’ve never flirted in my second language., they just don’t teach that in school. I’ve always followed Anita’s advice form West Side Story, I’ve stuck to my own kind. The issue I’ve encountered recently is one of modality. What happens when the glances, and brief moments of eye contact that are a staple of North American spoken language flirting are an integral linguistic feature in the language of the person you’re flirting with? In my second language eye contact is how you initiate conversation, eye contact is in fact required for communication, it’s the opening signal to any exchange. So what happens when you’re just trying to make that subtle connection from across the room, or you want to steal a private moment in the middle of a group conversation? The effect is the same as if you leaned over to the other person and offered a non-sequitus “So, uh….” Followed by no other remarks. In a group situation eye contact during a group conversation is an interruption. After a couple of these you are reduced to the status of babbling idiot.

Trying to overcome these nuances is a fascinating exercise. Never mind that I don’t even know how far I’d want to take things if ever my flirting proved successful. At this point, after the safety and security of back-to-back long-term relationships I must admit to some apprehension at the idea of waking up with someone new. I had a point when I started this. I think it had to do with not knowing how the hell to meet women outside of school. Yes. That was it. At school you have at least one thing in common with everyone around you. Also, you have a high concentration of prospects in a confined space. Out there in the real world everything gets more complicated. Good luck to us all.